this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
