No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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