I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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