Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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