Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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