Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
