Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
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