We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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