apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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