My Higher Power is John Stamos
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
