my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
