she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
