Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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