a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
