if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
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