Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
so much tequila, so little girl.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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