I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
