Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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