I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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