So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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