If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
It's rum buckets o'clock
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
