Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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