I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I can't turn off my feet"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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