Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
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That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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