I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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