Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
