i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
