Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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