I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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