.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I came so hard my ears popped.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
