I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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