So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
