On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
