OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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