You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
