I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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