Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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