Where did you get a picture of my penis
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
