bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
