I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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