My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
