wrigley field is MILF paradise
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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