I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
