Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
