So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
