Why does Corona taste like a burp?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
