She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
