There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
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I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
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Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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