Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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