Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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