Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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