i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
