For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
