Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
