I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It's shark week go big or go home
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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